At Wit's End: Introducing "Jesus Was A Time Traveller"

I don’t know how to describe the feelings that I’m experiencing right now: excitement, joy, cautious optimism, doubt, wonder.

But more than anything, I’m tired. Launching this book has been a huge undertaking over the past several weeks, filled with late nights of last-minute preparations and revisions, as well as a few technical snafus on Amazon's site, but it's finally out there.

And there’s still more to be done! I still have to get the paperback version up-and-running, as well the EPUB version for iBooks, Nook, and Sony Kobo! Will it ever end?!

[UPDATE: JWATT's now available for B&N's Nook and Kobo!]

But for a few moments tonight, I'll be able to sit back, relax, maybe pop some bubbly, and enjoy this perhaps largest of milestones on my journey thus far.

I’ve put together a FAQ below that should answer most of your questions, followed by the book blurb and a link to where you can currently buy the book.

Before I go any further, thank you all for all of the support you’ve offered through the years. If I’m going to make a go of it in this business, I need folks to read my stuff, and whether you drop in for the Power Rankings every week, or know me from the radio, or just have found this blog somehow and like what you read, I’m sure that you’ll enjoy this book.

“OMG, LOL, WTF? You spelled ‘Traveler’ wrong, idiot!”

Actually, no. The main character of the book, Dr. Phineas Templeton, is British. Or at least “British-American,” so he often uses British spellings, including “traveller” with two “L”s. The same goes for many words that utilise (see what I did there?) "z"s in American English--he replaces many of those with "s"s. And he adds "u"s where necessary, i.e. "colour" and "honour." He's sophisticated like that.

So I have to own a Kindle to read this thing?

Not exactly. Many devices now have a free Kindle app, which should allow you to download and read the book. As I mentioned above, it will soon be released in EPUB format for Nook, iBooks, and Kobo, as well as a paperback version and an audiobook.

How much is this going to set me back?

The introductory price, up through Christmas Eve, is $5.99 in all ebook formats. After Christmas Eve, it's going up to $6.99. The Paperback and Audiobook will end up being quite a bit more; likely $14.99-16.99, depending on final page count, so if you have a Kindle, may as well buy it now and get the discount. Considering all of the work that went into it and the hours of entertainment you’ll receive from the book, I think it’s really a pretty good deal.

What can I do to help?

Besides buying the book? If you like it? Tell other folks about it. Leave reviews on Amazon. Make blog posts about it. In short, spread the word!

Is this going to become a series?

I don’t know how to answer that without spoiling the book; read it and find out.

I’m kind of religious—will I hate this book/go to hell for reading it?

Hardly. My beta readers included several religious folks, and they really enjoyed it. It should be clear that the book is a work of fiction, and filled with satire, so take it all in the spirit intended. I’m pretty even-handed in picking my targets, and my main goal is to entertain people. Just keep an open mind, think critically, and have a sense of humor about it and you'll be fine.

Okay, I’m intrigued. What’s it about?

I thought you’d never ask. Here’s the blurb:

[Though my name is on the cover, I can’t take all of the credit for this oddest of tales, as it was dropped quite literally on my doorstep by a strangely dressed fellow. Attached to the handwritten manuscript was the following note, which appears to be intended for you. –D.J.]

My name is Phineas Templeton, and though you should know my name, unless you’re a close family friend, you’re probably as blissfully unaware of my existence as everyone else in this world.

I was (and am, I suppose) one of history’s greatest minds, left to toil in obscurity for all eternity despite making perhaps the single greatest discovery of the twenty-first century:

It was a rather simple plan, really: build a time machine using my own fortune and that of my fantastically wealthy Benefactor, go back in time to visit Jesus Christ, a suitably important historical figure to have the privilege of interacting with an intellect such as my own, and return to 2032, finally allowed to relax, a hero basking in both the rays of a sun-kissed beach and the attention and adulation of an adoring public.

Little did I know that Jesus was actually a time-traveller himself, a cannabis addict named Trent Albertson from Boulder, Colorado. And he had the audacity to explain the nature of space-time to me! As if I would never figure out on my own that “what happened, happened,” and that “history,” as we know it, is actually the result of countless time-travellers who have already left their mark in our past.

Worse, when I boarded to my craft to try to return to my own time, I found that my Benefactor had set up quite the bedeviling little temporal scavenger hunt, with over a half-dozen time jumps that I would have to make before the computer would allow me to go home.

What followed is a fantastic, incredible tale. Join me as I meet my hero (Sir Isaac Newton) and some not-so-scrupulous characters. I gain companions and lose them along the way. The Mayan calendar's "end date" of 2012, the Gnostic Gospels, World War III and many more alternative theories of history will be explained and made clear. Did I mention I went on a BLOODY DINOSAUR HUNT, too?!

All the while, I editorialize using my acerbic wit and stinging tongue to lend a bit of colour to the action. Though I find portions of it to be gut-bustingly funny, there’s more than a little heart in this masterpiece, as well. You may laugh, you may cry, and by the end, you may be as heartbroken as I. For when I finally unraveled the final loose threads of a conspiracy that spans millions of years, even my superior intellect could hardly process the depth of deceit and depravity of some of those closest to me.

I have sent this manuscript back in time for one reason and one reason alone: so that the God’s honest truth about my story and my creation finally can be known. On the off chance this one time, the universe will allow something to slip through the usually iron-clad cracks of history, and into your hearts and minds. I purposely sent this book back to the time of the so-called “Indie Book Revolution” so that it could be published by whatever bozo the time courier could find, in full, warts and all.

And so now, it is up to you, dear reader, to decide: can you handle the laughter and tears, the joy and sorrow, and the ultimate action-adventure, sci-fi style romp through space and time that is Jesus Was a Time Traveller? If so, please do give it a look.

-Phineas Templeton

Is that it? What’s next?

I’ll continue writing the Power Rankings through the rest of the football season, and balancing that with finishing up the various other formats. I’ve also started my two books; the more stuff I have out there, the easier it’ll be for folks to find me. Can’t sit on my laurels, and no rest for the weary, I guess…

So there you go. Thanks again for all of your support, and I hope you’re intrigued enough to consider purchasing a copy. I think transparency is important, so I’m just going to go ahead and say that it’s my goal to sell 5,000 copies across all formats by the start of next football season (the beginning of September for those non-football fans out there). That’s pretty much what I have to do to keep doing this, so I’m going to rely on you to read the book and tell your friends so that I can keep the laptop humming and continue to try to bring you high-quality, entertaining content.

Thanks again, everyone, and I sincerely hope you enjoy.

D.J. Gelner is a fiction and freelance writer from St. Louis, Missouri. Follow him on twitter (@djgelner) or facebook (here). He co-hosts Rams Mondays on the Joe Roderick Show on 1380 The Fan2 am in St. Louis during the football season, and writes a blog at entertainingacity.com. E-mail him at djgelbooks@gmail.com. His debut novel, Jesus Was a Time Traveller, is now available on Kindle here.